After so many years and trying my best to make myself into a better person, I still failed. For those that are close to me, you should have known that I was rejected by Hui Shi for the 5th time over 6 years on Halloween night. It all started off very well with dinner at Marina Square, followed by a bowling session.
When I met her at the bus-stop near her place again later that night, I confessed my liking towards her. Though she said she would think about it, she still rejected me via email on Thursday, 3 Nov.
Over the past week, lots of thoughts have been going through my head. If I did not confess my liking towards her, I am sure she would not be avoiding me now, and we could still chat, sms, hang out with each other as per normal. However, with Hui Shi getting prettier over the years, and getting to know more guys in her social life, I would be even more devastated if some other guy popped the question to her & succeed. It was a gamble I had to take, and unfortunately, I lost.
I hate the feeling of trying my best and still failing. "God helps those who help themselves" goes the saying, but after praying, it does not seem to work. Perharps, by selling your soul to the devil, your wish can be granted...
I thought that by my 5th rejection, I would be able to take it lightly, but I guess I was wrong. I felt I no longer had any motivation in life; all my past 6 years, I have been living my life for her. I tried my best to learn music as she was interested in it; took up a part time job so I can earn more money to take her out on dates and buy her stuff, etc. Now, everything I do daily just seems pointless.
Not to mention that when you are at the lowest point of your life, fate just wants to make it worse for you. I went drinking and cried. Went for my late night jogs, but somehow, I ended up tripping and falling. Hung out with a 2 new friends, but coincidentally, I ended up at Marina Square again, where it all started.
I don't really blame Hui Shi for rejecting me, but sometimes, I wonder if she does appreciate all that I have done for her? Maybe she has not gone through the process of waiting and rejection, and I doubt she ever will, given the beautiful lady she is growing into. Most likely, guys will be queueing up for her, and sincerely, I hope she will never have to go through all the pain that I went through.
If you ever read this post someday Hui Shi, know that a part of my heart will always belong to you. I am not even sure if I am able to move on in life anymore. Though you brought me great joy at times, there was as much sorrow, if not more. Like I mentioned in my email, you are the one and only person that made me shed more tears than everyone else I know combined.
Friday, November 11, 2005
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