Rejection, Resentment, Jealousy and Most of All, Misery

Today is New Year's Eve and I know for sure I am not entering 2012 in a happy mood. Why you may ask? I have been rejected by the same girl again, but this time round, she tells me she already has a boyfriend.

I have never mentioned it in any of my previous posts, but her name is Xue Yun (literally "Snow Cloud"). Even though we went out together late last month, she became very quiet all of a sudden. I wondered if it was something I did. On 28 Dec 2011 (Wednesday), I met up to pass her some books, but even during our short encounter, she remained extremely quiet and was reluctant to speak with me. Feeling exasperated, I went home, penned down all of my feelings on a letter and visited her workplace impromptu the next morning.

I openly expressed my feelings towards her and apologized if I have done anything wrong. Of course, she was extremely annoyed that I dropped by without notice and refused to accept my letter. I had no choice but to leave it on her desk. At that point in time, I told myself I only wished to be friends with her again, to be able to chat and speak freely about all matters under the sun, but when she finally texted me in the evening, it was the following: "I am sorry I have to reject you again and by the way, I already have a boyfriend." Given that I have already noticed a ring on her finger, I should have sensed something was amiss.

My world collapsed around me. On one hand, I want her to be happy, because in my opinion, her radiant smile is one of the most wondrous sights I have ever experienced, but on the other hand, I really wish I am the guy by her side. Is it selfish and greedy of me to think of the latter?

I have really tried my best in trying to make her happy. I believed my sincere and true feelings, as well as determination, would be able to touch and win her heart, but alas, I failed miserably. Right now, I am swarmed with negative emotions - resentment, jealousy, feelings of unfairness and misery. I am not ashamed to admit that I prayed to the powers above for help, but did they not hear my pleas?

Furthermore, all my current thoughts revolve around Xue Yun. I can neither eat nor sleep properly. I can't help but recall all the fond memories I had with her - from the first time I asked for her mobile number, when we visited Library@Esplanade together, our outings to Vivocity, our singing sessions, etc. Looking at the text conversations we had, should I have done things differently to win her heart? Possess more courage, be more assertive?

To a certain extent, it has been an enjoyable year, especially during those occasions where I spent time with Xue Yun. Ever since I got to know her, there is motivation in my life. Even looking forward to a simply text reply from her will make me happy. Am I such a naive bear? But now:

I know I will never be able to hold her hand.
I know I will never have a chance to kiss her.
I know I will never have the opportunity to bring her to movie dates and other places of interest again.
I know her smile will be reserved for that special person in her life.
I know I will never see her putting on the cute Nyan pose for me ever again.
And I know it is no longer my role to watch over her as an "guardian angel".

What should I do now? After speaking to a few friends, I could choose from the following options:
1) Give up. "Someone better will enter my life", but when will "she" appear?
2) Wait. If she ever wants me, I will gladly accept her.
3) Continue to pursue her. According to my friends, all is fair in love and war.

In addition, I have so many questions I wish to ask Xue Yun and I believe only she has the answers which I want to personally hear. Will she be willing to meet up and have a long chat with myself? Of course, my friends have advised me not to harbour any expectations of being accepted by her. To make matters worse, the miliary camp in which I am supposed to attend training soon is located close to her workplace.

Right now, these images represent my emotions perfectly. Up till today, only 2 girls have ever caused me to shed tears and Xue Yun happens to be one of them.











Can someone or somebody teach me what I should do and make this pain go away?

Beary Christmas and Happy New Year!

I have yet to complete the poem which I promised previously, but since I am stuck at home right now, I have decided to update my blog by wishing everyone a "Beary Christmas and a Happy New Year!"

Over the past week, I took some photographs of the Christmas decorations in Singapore for one of the activities organised by an online forum which I frequent. Along the way, I captured some photographs of my fellow bearkind. For some reason, I knew exactly what they wished for this Christmas; being a "bear" (my online persona) myself, I long to be cuddled, hugged and given a sweet home by an owner of my choice. :) Too bad I wasn't able to help them out...

Enough of talk, here are the images everyone are looking forward to:


I really like the one on the left, with its -_- eyes.


Tatty Teddy! I saw an updated comic strip with regards to how Tatty Teddy turned grey and it never fails to warm my heart each time. :)






Aren't these little bears cute? They can be found at Takashimaya (Ngee Ann City) almost every year, during the Christmas season.


Rilakkuma. He has been overwhelmingly popular recently, making me feel kinda envious. :D It would be good to relax, have a nice home and family at the same time.






More bears with some other cute animals! They are calling out to us... :D


Even more Tatty Teddy!


Rilakkuma and Korilakkuma. Photograph taken by my colleague, Marz.

Once again, Beary Christmas everyone! May Santa bring you lots of presents and grant all your wishes! Otherwise, we will just have to work harder next year. *Bear Hugs*

Trying Your Best Is Never Enough

A short entry before I start on a new poem.

I really tried my best to make it a memorable day last Sunday, 27 Nov 2011. However, it appears my efforts were not good enough. Perhaps I shouldn't have sprung a surprise by organising the activities so early in the day. Neither did I expect a lack of interest and worst of all, a sprained ankle.

I started the day in high spirits, only to end it with a miserable mood...

In conclusion, things never go according to plans and trying one's best is sometimes never enough.

Happy 25th Birthday, Shinobu Maehara!

It has become customary for me to do so every year. Happy Birthday Shinobu Maehara! May all your dreams and wishes come true on this very special day!

Unfortunately, my personal laptop has crashed from the BSOD, and it is unable to boot up. This temporarily replacement does not contain the various images of Shinobu which I would like to share with everyone. :(

Furthermore, with my grandfather passing away recently, I don't think it would be appropriate to create a long, celebratory post. I am sure Shinobu would understand the difficulties I am facing right now.

Nonetheless, enjoy your day, Shinobu!

Real Steel (A Copy and Pasta From My Post on a Forum)

I attended an event by one of our suppliers last Thursday, whereby we were invited to watch the movie entitled "Real Steel".

In the future, in-ring fighting and boxing have been replaced by robots instead of sportsmen. Hugh Jackman plays the role of Charlie Kenton, a former boxer, who now earns a living by controlling robots to win their fight. Unfortunately, he is currently in a slump, whereby nothing goes right for him. In addition, he is reunited with his 11-year old son, Max Kenton, whom he abandoned many years ago.

Together with the robot "Atom", whom they discovered by chance, both father and son rise to fame and challenge the reigning champion "Zeus" for the world title.

Since I do not watch movies all that often, each title tends to leave an impression on myelf. Some viewers may claim that the storyline is similar to other related movies, but I still found myself rooting for the underdog, or rather, under-robot, "Atom". In addition, the father-and-son relationship started out on a rocky path, but eventually ended on a perfect note. Again, some may claim it is cliche, but having this particular aspect meant that the human actors were given a fair share of screen time, not simply relying on CG and fight scenes to woo the crowd.

However, I suspect males and children will probably enjoy the movie more than females, although I could be wrong.





Since I am on the topic of movies, some of my friends always complain about myself being a spoilsport, especially when not joining them for movies. After some thought, I believe my criteria for watching movies is as follows, with number 1 being the most important factor.

1) Good company.
2) Free tickets.
3) It is an animation.
4) Movie should preferably feature some cute character(s) or animal(s).

Not all of these factors may come into play and I believe there might be exceptions every now and then.

Snow, Clouds and You

It has been a while since I attempted to write a poem, but I did have some inspiration and motivation recently. However, it may not turn out as well as expected.

Title: Snow, Clouds and You

As snow begins to fall,
People may experience a sense of chilliness.
Yet when looking upon a terrain engulfed in snow,
Pure white and glistening,
People may experience a surreal sight.

Clouds sometimes block out sunlight,
Presenting a gloomy and overcast view to one's sight.
Clouds however also provide shade,
As leisurely activities bade.

Like the snow, you may appear cold at times,
But maintaining an untouchable aura of beauty.
Like the clouds, you could be expressionless at times,
But its ever-changing nature also means a brilliant smile may appear.

Snow and Clouds are integral parts of nature,
Together with your presence,
It paints a lovely picture.

That being said,
私は雪雲が大好きです。
しかし彼女に、私はただの友達です。
私の心が大変痛いです。
そして泣いています。

General Elections in Singapore... and Respect

For those of you who do not know much about the ongoings in Singapore, the results of the General Elections for 2011 have been announced.

As expected, PAP managed to retain the majority of seats in Parliament, 81 out of 87. The Workers' Party won the remaining 6 seats, through Hougang and Aljunied.

Being a first time voter, I have been following news concerning the elections, as well as the different political parties, rather closely, via the internet, newspapers and television programmes. Furthermore, while travelling from one place to another throughout the past few days, either for work, classes or leisure, I have seen quite a few political parties and their respective members campaigning at public locations, such as stadiums, open fields, MRT stations and HDB flats.

From the various reports and images I have seen, there is a particular politician who has earned my respect - Mr Chiam See Tong. He is supposedly 76 years old and has suffered from a stroke previously, but yet he continues to work hard for Singapore. I don't know him personally, but I am quite embarrassed to say that on certain weekdays, especially Mondays, I wake up in the morning and the first thought that comes to mind is: Sianz, I have to go back to work today. Mr Chiam is old and he probably isn't in the best slate of health, but yet he works hard. On the other hand, I am so many years younger as compared to him and I am already "complaining" on a regular basis. If I were to be 76 years old, can I proudly proclaim that I will be as active and as motivated? On the bright side, perhaps this particular General Elections can spur me to take on a more enthusiastic approach and outlook to life.

A Really Bad Cough and Other Thoughts

I have been coughing for about 2 weeks and during this period of time, I have visited the doctor thrice. Hopefully, I will recover by this weekend, so that I can head for Japanese class next week without any worries or discomfort. Which reminds me, I should revise what I learnt previously. Due to the limited availability of classes, it has been a month since I last attended any lessons on the Japanese language. I could have forgotten quite a bit of material. -_-

After looking through my blog recently, I realized that there is a lack of images for the past couple of posts. Coincidentally, I have just submitted an article along with some photographs for the latest issue of my company's internal newsletter. Therefore, I thought it might be a good opportunity to upload these photographs here as well. They were taken courtesy of my colleague, Benjamin, with his excellent photography skills. True be told, I am quite reluctant to remove my figurines from their packaging, especially since my room does not possess sufficient storage space right now.


Lala from To Love Ru, a birthday gift from my sister.


My favourite To Heart 2 character, Manaka Komaki.


One of the more popular 妹 in anime right now, Kirino Kousaka.


A group image.


On the left, 1/4 scale Fate from Mahou Shoujo Lyrical Nanoha StrikerS. And to the right, Kallen from Code Geass, a gift from Luke and friends during one of my birthdays.

Moving on to a more philosophical aspect of this post, last Saturday, I was on my way home from Ang Mo Kio. Whilst travelling along a sheltered walkway, I happened to notice a snail making its way across the pavement, from one grass patch to another. Knowing that the walkway is often used by my fellow human beings, I considered picking the snail up to aid it in its slow journey, but ultimately, I decided against doing so partly due to a fear of coming into direct contact with the snail. After taking a few steps forward, a fellow human being walked past me, towards the direction of the snail, just as I predicted. Again, I could have warned the man about the snail on his path, but I did not. Watching the scenario unfold before my eyes, the man avoided stepping on the snail, but the movement of his feet kicked it quite a distance. I am unsure if the snail was killed during this unfortunate accident, but I can't help but feel a little guilty about not doing anything throughout the entire situation. Should I have left things to fate or perhaps it would be better if I had intervened?

Two of my friends have gone abroad for holiday recently - one to South Korea and the other to United States. The former should have been back yesterday and I hope I wasn't forgotten when it comes to souvenirs. :p

Last but not least, I would like to post a question to everyone. Have you ever encountered a situation whereby a simple text message can bring about a flood of mixed emotions - happiness, disappointment, relief, etc? It is quite amazing, wouldn't you say so?

Everyday is a Learning Journey.

I managed to apply for a day of leave on 10 March 2011 and within that day, I gained quite a bit of knowledge. Some of these knowledge can be found or seen in our daily lives, but more often than not, we tend to take them for granted.

- Sometimes, a single phone call can save us quite a bit of inconvenience. Furthermore, an answer could be obtained on the spot.

- Shops and stores need to constantly upgrade in order to survive the competition. Upon speaking with the store owner after having my photograph taken did I learn that negatives are no longer provided; instead a soft copy will be issued within a CD-Rom.

- Waiting for others may not necessarily be frustrating, especially if one is anticipating the upcoming activity. In addition, the surroundings may provide some form of entertainment, perhaps in the form of animal (and human) behaviour.

- Is it true that males do not really like to consume sweet foodstuff? I should conduct a survey among my peers. Otherwise, I may be considered an anomaly or outlier.

- Depending on the situation, it may be impolite to speak while eating. Quite obvious isn't it, but most of us fail to take note of such behaviour... or is it only me? O_o

- Someone convinced me about how troublesome it would be to use an umbrella or raincoat, especially if the rain is still bearable. I am quite amused by the analysis provided. :) However, how can I abandon my trusty umbrella, who has gone through thick and thin with me over the years?

- Even though I am not very music-literate, I am impressed by how passionate and happy others can be while studying said subject. The same can be said of other fields of studies. Just take a look at your surroundings when entering the local libraries. That being said, is music performed by chinese instruments as widespread as its western counterparts? Looking back, I believe quite a few secondary schools would have chinese orchestra as a co-curricular activity.

- Perhaps I am indeed too mindful of the opinions of others. Instead of simply going along with their views (and/or words), I could be more pro-active by making a decision first, and subsequently informing the other party. The chinese saying "先斩后奏" comes to mind.

- Lastly, time always flies by when one is having fun. I do hope to spend more time with certain individuals, be it family or friends, assuming I am given the opportunity to do so. Now that quite a number of us are working, and some in relationships (I feel the envy rising within me), opportunities for us to meet up can be limited, even more so in a big group.

The above sums up my particular Thursday.

Moving on, I am sure most of us would be aware of the disasters which struck Japan recently. An earthquake of a huge magnitude occurred in Japan, and the subsequent tsunami, added to the woes of its residents. As I write, Japan is also facing another potential problem with its nuclear plants, which were damaged by the earthquake. Hopefully, with help from the international community, Japan and its residents will be able to rebuild the affected areas as well as their lives.

Last but not least, on another unrelated note, I just learned how to type sentences out in Japanese using my laptop. The following would be a simple test to see if they can appear on my blog.

熊さんは可愛いです。

あなたはとても可愛いです。

Thoughts on Reservist.. and An Upcoming Test!?

I had wanted to write this post on Monday, 28 February 2011, my first day back at work after reservist. As the day went by, I was surprised to find myself missing reservist, most probably due to the backlog of tasks I had to clear in the office. I wonder if my fellow camp-mates and friends felt the same way?

To a certain extent, I have to say that my 6th In-Camp-Training was quite enjoyable. Throughout this period of time, I learned that there are some people whom we can never work smoothly together with, but yet we can still have fun together. The 1/3 lunch incident, dessert incident, banana jokes as well as the unfortunate event where I slipped and knocked my head were quite memorable. Hopefully, I will be able to see my fellow camp-mates and friends soon, possibly at a clubbing session since they seem keen on the idea. The only problem - I don't club nor drink. Maybe orange juice will be a wise idea.

In addition, my Japanese test for the Elementary 2 level is just a week away. I have a friend who has not attended classes for quite a while, but intends to sit for the test. I can't help but imagine the looks on the faces of our fellow classmates, even more so if my friend does well for the test. What will our Sensei say? :D

That being said, I should also make an effort to revise and study hard over the next few days.