My world is falling apart

After so many years and trying my best to make myself into a better person, I still failed. For those that are close to me, you should have known that I was rejected by Hui Shi for the 5th time over 6 years on Halloween night. It all started off very well with dinner at Marina Square, followed by a bowling session.

When I met her at the bus-stop near her place again later that night, I confessed my liking towards her. Though she said she would think about it, she still rejected me via email on Thursday, 3 Nov.

Over the past week, lots of thoughts have been going through my head. If I did not confess my liking towards her, I am sure she would not be avoiding me now, and we could still chat, sms, hang out with each other as per normal. However, with Hui Shi getting prettier over the years, and getting to know more guys in her social life, I would be even more devastated if some other guy popped the question to her & succeed. It was a gamble I had to take, and unfortunately, I lost.

I hate the feeling of trying my best and still failing. "God helps those who help themselves" goes the saying, but after praying, it does not seem to work. Perharps, by selling your soul to the devil, your wish can be granted...

I thought that by my 5th rejection, I would be able to take it lightly, but I guess I was wrong. I felt I no longer had any motivation in life; all my past 6 years, I have been living my life for her. I tried my best to learn music as she was interested in it; took up a part time job so I can earn more money to take her out on dates and buy her stuff, etc. Now, everything I do daily just seems pointless.

Not to mention that when you are at the lowest point of your life, fate just wants to make it worse for you. I went drinking and cried. Went for my late night jogs, but somehow, I ended up tripping and falling. Hung out with a 2 new friends, but coincidentally, I ended up at Marina Square again, where it all started.

I don't really blame Hui Shi for rejecting me, but sometimes, I wonder if she does appreciate all that I have done for her? Maybe she has not gone through the process of waiting and rejection, and I doubt she ever will, given the beautiful lady she is growing into. Most likely, guys will be queueing up for her, and sincerely, I hope she will never have to go through all the pain that I went through.

If you ever read this post someday Hui Shi, know that a part of my heart will always belong to you. I am not even sure if I am able to move on in life anymore. Though you brought me great joy at times, there was as much sorrow, if not more. Like I mentioned in my email, you are the one and only person that made me shed more tears than everyone else I know combined.

Corpse Bride

After many hitches in our plans to catch "Corpse Bride", I finally managed to catch the movie with Hui Shi at Plaza Singapura's Golden Village earlier yesterday evening.

The movie was quite short, around 1hour 20minutes, but I don't really expect it to be too long either, considering that it is an animation. I have not watched Tim Burton's previous work, "Nightmare before Christmas", but after watching "Corpse Bride", I have to agree with the critics that he is good.

The movie is a combination of comedy and romance, with a tinge of musical aspect to it. If you are looking for a light-hearted movie, then go catch it!

Post-Birthday Update

In addition to all the greetings that I mentioned in my earlier post, the following came a little late. However, for those who remembered, I greatly appreciate it.

Additional birthday greetings and gifts:
- A card from Adeline
- A card from Saskia, all the way from Holland!
- My much desired 1/100 Freedom Gundam figurine from Hui Shi
- A brand new leather wallet from Hui Shi as well
- A Haro toy cum Shin figurine from my dear sister, Shannon
- Not forgetting the large peach cake that my parents bought for me.

On my birthday, I finally bought a new mobile phone, namely, Sony Ericsson's K750i. After using it, I feel that it is definitely one of the best phones available on the market at the moment. Though it cost me quite a significant amount of money, its 2.0 megapixel camera, 262k colour screen, and the memory provided (can be upgraded further all the way to 2GB) makes the purchase worthwhile. Call me crazy or arrogant, but whenever I walk the streets these days, I tend to look at other people's mobile phone and scoff at them. Ah... the hazards of using Nokia 3210 and Ericsson GA628 for the past 5 years, causing me to lag behind in technology as compared to others.

Happy Birthday to me!

It is my birthday today and as expected, not many people remembered. The only people who remembered were my family members and Hui Shi (thanks a lot for remembering!) She is the first and I believe, would be the last person to send me a SMS greeting.

Oh well, I cannot really blame my friends for forgetting. Guys aren't really good at remembering birthdays and such. They are usually more concerned with their girlfriends or the amount of money in their wallet. Maybe the reason why I am different from them would be because I understand the pain of spending birthdays alone. When you receive a gift for your birthday, or even a simple sms, I believe you would get warm and fuzzy all over. That is the kind of feeling that I want others to have on their birthdays.

And yes, I did not forget you Gathius. I am so very surprised that you actually started a birthday topic for me on the JPN forum. Even if no one posts on it, I am still grateful to you. JPN is definitely my second family!

One of the best days in my life!

For the first time in many years, I made a trip back to Sentosa's Underwater World, with a beautiful girl, by the name of Lam Hui Shi, accompanying me.

Although it was $19.50 per ticket (and I paid for both, since this outing was to celebrate her birthday), I felt it was worth my money. The ticket was inclusive of entry into the dolphin lagoon and for the first time in my life, I managed to come up close to those cute and intelligent pink dolphins. The tricks and feats they performed were fantastic!

I did enjoy my time at Underwater World as well, but what upset me was that some tourists simply did not know how to read instructions. They lifted the starfish out of the water when it was stated clearly, together with pictorial instructions, that they were not supposed to. Children were banging on the glasses, causing disturbance to the fishes, and yet their parents did nothing to stop them.

Took the cable car transport system back to Mount Faber (again, for the 1st time in my life) and the view was pretty awesome.

By evening, we headed down to Marina South to view the Fireworks Festival 2005. It was very crowded and I felt fustrated. However, seeing the majestic fireworks display erased all my grumpiness and sense of impatience. It was probably one of the best displays that I have seen for a long time.

All in all, I had a tiring day, but to say the least, it was enjoyable. However just like my current MSN nick, I do feel tinge of lonliness and sorrow. Every perfect day must come to an end and for most of the scenes that I saw throughout the day, I come to realise that certain things may seem to within your grasp, but no matter how hard you try, it will forever be so far.

A long story

It has been sometime since I posted on my blog, but since I have the time, here goes nothing.

Updates on myself:
-Currently holding 2 jobs, one at Media Research Consultants, the other at Prudential (though it has been pretty quiet the past few weeks)
- Attended my 1st In-camp-training (ICT) since I ORD-ed in March
- Starting my lessons at SIM later in the morning

The job at Media Research Consultants is quite interesting, calling random people up via the phone from our population to answer questionaires, and at times, there are outdoor projects as well. Met all kinds of people, from friendly ones to rude, digusting motherf**kers. Damn you a**holes who slammed the phone down on me after making crude remarks.

I was pretty worried about my ICT, but after attending it, I realized that it wasn't so bad after all, other than having to count thousands of rounds.

Currently deciding on which mobile phone to purchase. My final decision should be made over the next few days, but that means the purchase of my "Freedom Gundam 1/100 figurine" would have to be postponed.

My laptop is starting to show its age. The screen suffered a burnout after I came back from my ICT, and now, its colour looks faded.

With lessons starting today, I am bound to have less free time, but still I want to thank Luke for leaving his Playstation 2 at my place. The console games have brought me endless hours of fun through the wee hours of the night. And how can I forget the JPN forums? Though not everyone may like it, I have made a number of online friends and gained new insight to the rest of the world. Thank you, JPN!

Ups and Downs

Just last week, I found a job that was willing to employ me for a month and the pay was exceptionally good. However, just after 2 days of work, I quit. Not because I do not have the determination to continue, but rather, due to some disagreement with my family. Anyway, it was a door to door sales job and the working hours require me to stay out till midnight or so, and when I do reach home, everyone else is asleep. In short, I do not get to see much of my family members, even on weekends, as I am required to work too.

Over the last few days, I have been to many parts of Singapore, for both work and leisure. Going from apartment to apartment to perform my sales job was an invaluable experience. I came across all kinds of people, some, kind and friendly, others, rude and unreasonable. Though I have to admit it was kind of tiring, I did learn a lot of new stuff.

Just yesterday, I accompanied a friend for a job interview and to collect some prize she won as well. Though envious that my friend got employed, I am happy for her at the same time. However, I guess she would not be free to accompany me on outings anytime soon, other than on weekends. And yes, we did try out the Haagen Daaz ice-cream at Junction 8, and I seriously think that it was costly.

Its been some time

I can officially declare that my chances of getting a job by August is close to 0%. It does not really matter if I have no job experience or whatsoever, but whenever potential employers hear that I can work for only such a short period of time, with my in-camp training schedule in between, they reject me, albeit some do so in a more polite me. When I went for a job interview last week at the National Archives, the lady was quite appreciative of my frankness, but there was nothing she could do about my employment. Being honest or getting a job? Which is of higher priority to me?

Putting myself into the employers' shoes, if they employed me, and all of sudden, I announce that I have to leave, I am sure they would feel very cheated, having trained me and all. Maybe someday, some employer would appreciate my honesty, but until then... I guess I better be more accurate in my soccer predictions, if I want to earn some extra cash for the time being. And yes, I know gambling is unhealthy.

I heard from Saskia that her horse had been euthanized and I truly feel sad for her. In a way, I am upset too because I have heard so much about her horse from her.

Although I am quite broke and do not have much interest in star wars, Mark persuaded me to watch Episode 3: Revenge of the Sith with him. I was reluctant to do so until he volunteered to sponsor half of my entry ticket. Thanks, my friend! I will say that it is a great movie but I agree that the length of the show is value for money... 2 and a half hours. "You were the chosen one!" is now my new MSN nick.

Went job hunting with my friend earlier yesterday and for a change, I am accompanying someone else rather than friends going along with me. It is indeed difficult to find a part-time job especially for students on vacation.

To backtrack a little further, I bought the whole set of "Salad Days" at a bargain price of $54, meaning each comic costs only $3! The artwork is above average but some of the stories do touch me at times. Not everyone has a happy ending, and that applies to real life as well.

Still Jobless

It has been some time since I last posted on my blog. I have been busy looking for a job, which unfortunately, up till now, is still unsuccessful. I do hope that the personnel from Riverview Hotel will call me up soon cause I believe that is my best chance. The restaurant manager had initially wanted me to start work the next day after my interivew, but after some discussion with one of his supervisors, they decided to call me back. Good or bad?

After my ORD, I am now posted to 732 SIR. I can't believe that my in-camp-training (ICT) is coming up so soon, from the 18-22 July. I guess I better get myself mentally prepared for my trip back to the army.

Just in case I do not get a place in NUS, NTU or SMU, I have to decided to apply for Bachelor of Science (Business) at SIM. I guess it is good to have a backup plan.

Late again!

Last Friday, I asked my friend out to accompany me on my job hunt. As usual, I was late, though I tried my best to be early. In the end, I was yelled at, making me feel so embarrassed. I guess I just have to work harder at being punctual.

In any case, to atone for my "sin", I suggested treating my friend to Swensons. The fact that Swensons' ice-cream tastes great cannot be denied, but having to wait at the table for half an hour is far too long. Business at the Plaza Singapura branch is either overwhelming or there is simply a shortage of staff. Maybe they should hire me...

Shortage of Dough

As I am going to ORD this Wednesday, cash flow problems seem to arise. Without the army giving me a monthly allowance any longer, I have to look for a job. Spent the last two days job-hunting at Orchard and Suntec. Surprisingly, lots of restaurants are in need of part-timers. However, I did not apply for them as my confidence level was quite low. I have absolutely no job experience and furthermore, I would like to find ways on how to handle interviews before doing so.

Finally found Boys BE season II at the Toa Payoh comics connection outlet. Wanted to buy it there and then, but once again, the problem of money sets in. I have the money with me at that moment, but it is meant for buying breakfast for my colleagues before I leave. Realized the importance of getting an ATM card. If someone gets to the comic before I do so later today, I will definitely be devastated.

And of course, thanks to Mark, I now have all the episodes of Kiddy Grade. Yippee!

Learning is for life

I was taught by a friend how to play an electone earlier yesterday afternoon. I have absolutely zero knowledge of music before the lesson, but at least now, I have gained a new experience. Since I am at it, I might as well try and find out more about music and most importantly, learn how to read those notes.

I always wonder why we have to pay service charge at restaurants even when the service is poor. I was dining at the Junction 8 Sakae Sushi outlet last evening and when I was shown my seat, I requested for 2 cups of green tea, but the waiter most probably forgot due to the overwhelming number of customers. In the end, I had to obtain them myself. Furthermore, when I was paying at the cashier, I was accused (too harsh a word?) of eating 5 plates of sushi when I never did. Partly, it was my fault as I did not ask for billing beforehand. In conclusion, I rate my dining experience at this particular outlet as poor.

Results

After a long wait, I finally received my a-level results on Friday. I personally do not think that it is good enough for me to get a place in NUS, NTU or SMU, but I am glad that I have made improvements. As compared to my previous grades of CDE B4, this time round, I obtained, CDD C5. True enough, my standard of GP has fallen, but my maths has improved a grade too.

Met up with my friends at night, hoping that they can share my joy with me, but instead, they told me that they were disappointed. Maybe Aw and Jeffrey had higher expectations of me, but like Jason (Tan) mentioned, having to study while serving NS and without guidance from teachers, is not an easy task. However, after my talk with them, I am no longer sure if I had really put in my best effort in the first place. This current phase of life is over and I should look to the future. First and foremost, I would be applying for all 3 public universities and SIM. Hopefully, I can get a place in one of them, preferably the public universities as their fees can be paid via CPF. Secondly, I am about to ORD soon and I should take the opportunity to look for a job rather than laze at home. Lastly, I must definitely find out what subjects interests me so that I can take up the appropriate courses and look out for future job opportunities.

As compared to Pin Jing, Janice and Luke's sister, I have fared much worse than them. However, I am happy for Pin Jing as she has done remarkably well and Janice, for being optimistic about her future.

Last but not least, I repaid Luke and his family by buying them a box of Royce' chocolate. Whenever I am at his place, I always feel like a free loader because his family provides me with free food.

Stress

I just received news that the A-level results will be announced this Friday. Feeling kinda stressed and worried at the moment. It will be my third time collecting my results. All my camp mates tell me not to worry and that I will do well, but this just makes me feel even more pressurized. What if I fare worse than my last two attempts? How am I going to face them? Not to mention the neighbours that keep asking which university I will be heading to. I guess I can only pray and hope for the best...

Closure of MPH at Junction 8

When I heard news that the MPH bookstore at Junction 8 was closing down soon, I immendiately made a trip there earlier last night. Alas, I was too late...

Felt kinda sad that I lost the chance to grab some books during the 30% off clearance sale, but more importantly, I will miss the bookstore. It has been there ever since Junction 8 was officially opened in 1994 (around that time, I believe). Ah... the memories of spending time browsing in the bookstore during my younger days. I guess I am getting old...

UK fair at Woodlands

I recently heard that there is a fair ongoing at Woodlands, with some exciting rides available. I admit I do not have the guts to take such rides, but I always wonder why others do so even though they are scared stiff. Thrill? Curiosity? Going with the crowd?

Those who have fun and do not feel unwell at the end of the day, I am happy for them. Others who pay money to feel giddy and nauseous... Anyway, I reckon its just like watching a horror movie even though one knows that he or she will be terrified.

Singapore Pools

Went to visit my relatives earlier this afternoon. Ended up going to the Singapore Pools outlet with my aunt to buy 4D. As it is a brand new year and everyone hopes to win some money, including myself, the queue was exceptionally long. Waited for one hour until it was my turn at the counter.

During this period of time, I saw a car with a broken number plate. The first thought that came to my mind was that the driver would be caught by the traffic police sooner or later, but when the vehicle U-turned, I noted down the number plate immediately. Coincidentally, it was the same 4 numbers that I wanted to buy, except that it was in a different order. Haven't checked the evening newspaper for the winning numbers yet, but if you were in my shoes, you definitely would have believed that it was a sign from the gods.

As I was nearing the counter, a middle-aged guy tried to cut the queue further up front but was violently stopped by an elderly Indian man. Obscene words were exchanged between both of them, and a fight nearly erupted within the outlet. Thankfully, someone else intervened. However, when the elderly Indian man stepped out of the outlet, I heard the sound of someone being punched/kicked. It is amusing to note that people would fight over queuing up to buy a number that has only 0.01% of getting the top prize...

Happy Lunar New Year

The year of the rooster is finally here! Hopefully, this will be a prosperous and smooth-sailing year for myself, my family and friends. In addition, I do hope that everyone will be in the pink of health.

I just bought the 3rd season of the Boys Be comic last Friday since it was on offer and I don't regret my decision. The artwork may be a little mature at times, but the artists really brought out the emotions of the characters. Not to mention, the jokes were quite funny. If possible, I would like to look for the 1st and 2nd season.

Leave

Spent the first day of my leave not doing anything productive. I was either sleeping, watching TV or using the computer. Although it feels great to wake up in late in the morning, knowing you do not have to report back to camp, having no plans for the day makes it seem meaningless. Perharps, I should start packing up my roon for the new year...

Blisters?

I never knew that sweeping the floor too much while using a broom would result in blisters. The positioning of the hand on the broom plays a part...

Light and Darkness

While hitching a ride down the hill in a van last Friday, I finally understood the meaning of the word "darkness". The moment Wong and I entered the vehicle, we could not see our 5 fingers even if they were placed right in front of our eyes. For a moment, we had the feeling that we were being kidnapped...

On Tuesday, while I was about to leave camp in the evening, I happened to look up into the sky and saw a scene that awed me. The evening sun was blocked by clouds, but its rays could still be seen protuding from the edges. Mere words simply cannot describe the scene that I saw.

It is kind of coincidental that I first experienced darkness, then followed by light.

Duty, Duty and more Duty

While others are having a long weekend, from Friday (Hari Raya Haji) all the way to Monday (clear off), I have to perform duty on Friday and Sunday. Hopefully, I won't have to perform any more duties next month. Kinda glad Palace beat Spurs 3-0. Boost their chances of survival in the premiership.

Fool?

Whenever a guy goes out on a date with a girl, who should be paying for the expenses? If both parties were to pay for their own individual expenses, it would seem a little stingy on the part of the male. However, if the guy were to pay everytime, then he might be seen as a fool and also treating as a "money shaking tree". Why do I always have the time to ponder over such questions in which there are no definite answers?

Don't break the law

Performed my duty last night without fail. Managed to take half-day off today (thus I am now typing my new post). My friends wanted to leave camp earlier than as stated in their off passes and encouraged me to join them as well. In the past, I would have done so without hesitation, but with my ORD date drawing closer and my unfortunate incident of "getting caught", I rejected their offer. I guess I can say that my "balls have shrunk". Better to play safe than to be sorry.

Great Saturday

Played soccer early in the morning. Sustained bruises and abrasions again, but still, I guess it is necessary if I want to become a better keeper.

Met up with Hui Shi to visit the Philatelic Museum. As usual, I was late. I guess I have to change this bad habit of mine as well, otherwise, people will keep nagging. The museum is not very big, but if anyone ever wants to look for stamps, this is definitely the place to go. Sat down for some time to search for stamps; some of them are quite old, whether or not they are valuable, I can't tell. At the end of it, I paid for all her stamps she chose, just to redeem myself for being late.

Always felt that Bugis Junction is small and crowded. Maybe it is the shape of the building. Bought takeaway sushi, but eating is public seems a little weird.

Surprisingly, I did not exceed my budget for the day. My legs are tired from the exercise and walking. Worse of all, I have to perform duty later in the morning...

Disappointment

As expected, I failed my IPPT due to the pull-up station. Somehow, I feel that I did not put much effort into the entire test. Perharps it was due to my mentality.

Morale in the platoon has fallen as our plans for cohesion have ran into some obstacles. Hopefully, the next one that we plan would be more successful (if I am still around; 43 more working days).

At the very least, my leave has been approved. Very thankful to 2LT Clara.

Taking my IPPT later in the morning, but I don't have much confidence in passing. Maybe a miracle will happen?

Coward?

Before I left camp yesterday, CPT Lim wanted the personnel, who volunteered to help out in Aceh, to reconsider their decisions.

He spoke of the harsh conditions in Aceh, no proper food and water, the presence of rebels, and the possibility that we may come home traumatised for life, if we even do come home alive. If an officer like him does not even have the confidence to help out in Aceh, then how can I, a mere soldier, expect to be of greater help to those victims?

I had really wanted to go and help out in this operation and to gain new experiences. However, the risk of losing everything that I currently possess greatly outweights my sense of adventure. Not drinking clean water and sleeping in the mud is not of much concern to me. Rather, I am afraid that I may come home short of a leg or arm. Does the decision to withdraw show that I am a coward?

CPT Lim felt that I am not suitable to go for this operation as he believes that I am more of a perfectionist, unable to take failures. Perharps his words are true. This incident gives me another resolution for the year: To be a stronger person both mentally and physically.

Finally got my own blog account. I must have been influenced by my friends around me to start an account.

Assigned myself to the movement team today and realized that it has been some time since I last performed such a task. Glad that the people in my platoon are so united; can't say the same for our neighbours. Our officers were asking for volunteers to help out the victims of the tidal wave and I signed up for it. Wonder if it was a good idea?

Organized a farewell dinner for Jason Tay who is going to USA for his studies. Went to Sakae Sushi (Suntec Branch). Jason and Luke complained about the poor service, but I think their expectations are too high. Anyway, I was too tired from work at camp to argue with them.

Always disliked the pain I feel whenever I apply medicine onto an open wound, and I still do. Cut myself while shifting the boxes up the flatbed. At least the wound is nothing serious compared to the sliding tackle I received last year.