Never Forgetting Shinobu Maehara!

No matter how busy I am, no matter how I am feeling,

No matter where I am and no matter what I am doing,

Happy Birthday Shinobu Maehara! May all your dreams and wishes come true on this very special day!

Preparing to whip up even more sumptuous dishes!

Cute looking apron.

Who could say no to those eyes?

Exercising to keep healthy... and cute.

How do I type the above expression as an emoticon?

Anyone up for a picnic?

I will never forget how you came into my life so many years ago, and to a certain extent, helped me back onto my feet. :)

Happy Birthday my beloved waifu!

Snow, Clouds and Fate?

After work earlier today, I decided to drop by Kinokuniya Singapore Main Store, located at Ngee Ann City, to see if there are any new volumes of manga or magazines to add to my otaku collection. While humming "Shape of my Heart" sung by Backstreet Boys (mainly because I heard the song being played during my walk from Liang Court to Orchard), instincts prompted me to visit the chinese novel section, which happens to be Xue Yun's favorite section.

To my surprise, I found Xue Yun browsing through the shelf at that very spot! Is Lady Luck and Cupid smiling upon me or is fate playing a cruel joke? After speaking with her for a short while, I offered to help with her purchase, assuming she intends to make any. Moving along to purchase my manga, I soon received a message and a call, asking whether I am still within the store. Given my deep feelings for Xue Yun, I kept my promise and purchased a book for her, with my discount card. Although I did not spend much time with Xue Yun, I felt strangely happy when greeted with a smile from her beautiful face, yet the happiness turns into melancholy almost immediately.

Maybe someday, Xue Yun will come to realize my feelings. But for now:

雪雲が幸せだと、私も幸せなんだよ。

しかし、雪雲が知っていますか。

Mixed Emotions

On Wednesday (09 May 2012), I met Xue Yun (and her sister-in-law) again, at Kinokuniya Book Stores of Singapore (Ngee Ann City), to help her purchase some books, notably the entire set of the novel entitled "噩盡島".

On one hand, I felt delighted being able to see Xue Yun again, but on the other hand, negative feelings, such as sadness and disappointment, arose. She is so near, yet so far at the same time. To elaborate further, I should be happy we are still friends and seeing her healthy and well puts me at ease. Unfortunately, the thought of not being able to be by her side all the time greatly saddens me. Such mixed emotions cannot be described clearly by a mere few words. Those who have undergone similar situations will understand my plight perfectly.

Of course, things were a little awkward when we first met, but I suppose our interactions with one another took a turn for the better as the evening passed. Not focusing too much on my own emotions allowed me to become relaxed, instead of being anxious about my speech and actions. At the end of the day, we managed to converse quite a bit on the MRT ride home.

I never did ask if she is doing well with her boyfriend. Perhaps it was the best course of action. Ignorance can be bliss at times, and certainly, this is one such occasion. As foolish as it may sound, I know that deep down inside my heart, I still harbour feelings for Xue Yun. Maybe, just maybe, regardless of how minute the possibility may be, she will come to realize my sincere feelings towards herself someday.

For now, I shall leave everything to fate (is this considered a weak excuse?) and allow nature to take its rightful course.

An image to somewhat describe my emotions?

A Harsh Reply and Moving On

She did reply to my earlier text message, and answered the various questions, albeit in an indirect, harsh and cold manner. The following would be her reply (with the short forms extended and the errors, edited).

Response to Question 1 and 2:
Who do you think you are that I have to tell you about my personal stuff? Not all my friends know. Why should I tell the world about it? And it is not that I am quiet; it is just proof that you don't understand me enough coz to everyone I know I only choose to reply messages when I feel like it. If I don't think it is important and all my friends know this (?)

Response to Question 3 and 4:
Like I told you before, it is the feelings that count and not really what the person has. If you ask me why, I also don't know. And as to how long it will last, I also don't know.

Response to Question 5:
I think it is actually quite stupid as I will not even reply you if I don't consider you a friend.

When I first read the message, I was definitely angered. I was very tempted to reply in an equally harsh, if not worse, manner. However, I finally decided not to do so. "Thank you for your reply" was all that I wrote.

Perhaps my questions were too direct and straightforward, causing her to feel offended. However, I did not think they were rude in any way. Nonetheless, I so very much wish to defend myself:

All I wanted to know was whether she has been with her boyfriend for a long time. If so, why did she still go on outings (dates?) with myself, with the most recent ones in late Nov 2011? Why did she tell me she wanted to try out a new restaurant? Why did she say the choice to meet up lies with me? Why did she tell me she wanted a 1.6 metre teddy bear? Aren't these roles meant for her boyfriend? Even if she did get together with her boyfriend in the past 1 month, she could have informed me. To tell the truth, I did not mind spending my money on the various gifts, but I do feel aggrieved for not knowing the truth and being "led-on" to a certain extent. Of course, I should not place all the blame on the other party; perhaps I should have asked if she were attached in the first place. Right now, it is already too late to take back the sincere and genuine feelings which I had for her (and still do, to a lesser extent).

I believe I have put in quite a bit of effort to communicate and understand her, causing me to feel exasperated whenever she remains silent and answers in short sentences on certain occasions, be it face-to-face or via text messages. Yet at times, she is willing to tell me about her day and various events. Am I only there to ease her loneliness or serve as a plaything? Of course, I can't place all the blame on the other party again. Perhaps my method of understanding another person vastly differs from her usual methods of doing so.

Undeniably, feelings count when it comes to relationships and I am unable to refute this particular point. However, will there come a day when feelings for your partner fade suddenly?

From her response to question 5, I suppose we are still friends, even though I was deemed stupid. Being the soft-hearted bear that I am, I definitely wish to remain friends with her.

In conclusion, I personally felt that her reply was extremely rude, but placing myself in her shoes, agitation, frustration and other negative emotions are understandable. There is one good thing which came out of her reply - As much as there is lingering feelings for Xue Yun in my heart, it has also strengthed my resolve to move on. I cannot rule out the possibility that she said all these words to aid me in moving on. If so, thank you, not only for helping me proceed to the next chapter of my life, but also for the fun and enjoyable times which I spent with you.

And to all my readers, have I made the right decision in giving her up and moving on?

Poem: Memories and What May Never Come to Pass

After speaking to a number of friends over the past few days, I finally came to a decision. I have decided to meet or at least, speak with Xue Yun, so that I can obtain some answers to the various questions which I have in mind. If I do obtain them and hopefully, be able to remain friends with Xue Yun, I should try my very best to move on with my life.

She did reply my text message: "What questions you want to ask?". However, before this particular message, I suspect she may have accidentally sent a message meant for another person (possibly her boyfriend) to me: "What do you mean? By hanging out, do you mean going out or hanging things at home?" This is the first time she has ever sent a message meant for another recipient to me. I really hope it was not done out of purpose to spite myself, and even if it was a coincidence, the error seems to have appeared at a very "timely" moment...

In any case, these are the questions I posed to her via text message. As much as I wish to meet up with her, or speak over the phone, the ball is no longer in my court.

1) How long have you been together with your boyfriend?
2) Why didn't you tell me about it and is this the reason why you became quiet recently?
3) What qualities does he have that I am lacking?
4) Did I ever stand a chance?
5) Are we still friends?

My friends have warned that I may never receive a reply and that things will never be the same ever again. In the worst case scenario, both Xue Yun and I may not even remain friends. I do not know if this is the correct decision, but something has to be done eventually.

In addition, in order to vent my frustrations and sorrow, I have composed yet another poem, entitled "Memories and What May Never Come to Pass".

When I look upon snow, as well as the clouds drifting high above in the sky,
Reminding me of your name,
I know your brightest smile will never be reserved for me.

As I walk past karaoke lounges,
Where singing emits from within the various rooms,
I know I will never be able to hear your cute, melodious voice ever again.

When I see couples on the streets,
Walking hand-in-hand, basking in bliss,
I know I will never be able to hold your hands.

As I look upon the important dates of my calendar,
From your birthday to the joyous Christmas,
I know I will never be able to kiss your lips nor give you my well-wishes.

When my heart and mind can't help but think of you,
Wondering if you are doing fine,
I know I will never again play the role of watching over and protecting you.

And while writing this poem,
Filled with my longing for a girl named Xue Yun,
I know you will never be able to read my words.

To end off this sorrowful post, I once had a beautiful daydream, whereby I am able to visit Japan on a trip with Xue Yun, especially since we are both interested in anime and manga. How perfect and wonderful it would have been... Unfortunately, my daydream has now been shattered, realizing that it can never be. :(